“The Art of Self-Sabatoge or Self-Preservation?”

I guess the 2am wake up call from the teen-age boy’s chip bag was enough to rouse my muse.  Either that, or it’s the stress of sitting here alone after years of self-sabatoge in my marriage has brought me to a separation.  Oh, trust me.  I am as shocked as you to find I have been sleeping alone now for 10 days.  The perfect couple has lost the battle on the deaf-hearing relationship war.  I guess we can decide later if the out-come is worth fighting for.  It has become a he/said she/said decorum around here and one of us had to create space.  I did.  I asked him to go.  My health and my future depends on what happens next.

The last five years Edward and I have experienced more change than most couples face in 50 years but yet still, we have seen nothing.  We have not lost a child to death, nor a parent yet, but we have lost closeness with our children, jobs and Edward lost his hearing.  In 2014 our gamble to be happy, self employed community workers, did not pay off for us.  We lost our home and cars to financial decisions that “we” both thought were in the best interest of our future.  We had plans to prosper and to become healers and ministers that would do-good outcomes for community as an intuitive couple and my goodness, these two people, who were fiercely in love with one another, could accomplish anything that God called us to do.

Now, I am still trying to figure out what has happened over the last few years that has us facing a long term separation or divorce.   Old time folk would say it was because we got into our “spiritual” closets and started to do mediumship work.  Well, one thing I do know is how I understand mediumship work, I can at least say, when one starts to do deep emotional shadow work, it does change you.

In part, the financial strain of Edward’s hearing loss and the fuck fest of having to deal with the Department of Veterans Affairs for his disability is most likely the knife that has driven deep into the sacrificial lamb we can call “marriage.”  For two years, I have fought an arduous uphill battle to help Edward through the claim process of which should have never been so difficult.  We have stacks and stacks of paper documentation linking his Brain Trauma and Deafness to his service in war.  I could photocopy every single page in duplicate from his medical records and blow your mind on how much pain and suffering Edward experienced in Desert Storm.  And in all Truth, this man has indeed suffered much.

Well, so have I.  I had to watch my husband lose his hearing again for a second time and at first, the Fear was paralyzing.  How would I dare to learn a new language culture and be a strong wife emotionally for a man who lived in a blanket of pain and silence?   Tragically, I had never experienced such a change and nothing prepared me for the painstaking experience to become a Deaf-Hearing Couple.  Luckily for Edward, this is not his first rodeo.  He was deafened from battled and had already experienced a 4 year life as a “deafie.”  But Edward, in his own words, told me how difficult this would be.  He was right.  We are not healing from these losses and in fact, we are self-sabatoging our “marriage.”

So let me spin you there, a “deafie” is a derogatory term for a Deaf Person.    Deaf culture is NOTHING like the Hearing culture.  And Edward has had to navigate thru trying to be a deaf man in a hearing world minus the fact he was not born that way.  He has become “disabled.”  An invisible disability and one that serves a purpose higher than you can image.  He can’t use a phone.  He can’t talk to me from the other side of the room.  I can’t talk to him without slowing down my every thought, facial expression and God forbid I sign something wrong in the middle of a passionate sentence.  His favorite line……”The Word “Suspicious” rings up, “Sassy-Bitches” to a lip-reader.   As a married couple. the things you take for granted become a nuisance.  There is no more sharing music, singing or impromptu dancing at a ball park on a first date.  There is nothing but tinnitus and migraines from the communication barrier and stress because an unemployed deaf man can’t get a job or benefits.  Friends and family try so hard to throw our suggestions on agencies or non-for profits that can help.  Please hear me when I say this in LOVE………..”WE HAVE BANGED ON EVERY DOOR FOR HELP!” We keep falling through the universes cracks.  I am not kidding you.  It would take a lifetime to tell you how hard it has been to find any agency willing to see the truth here and provide ANY monetary assistance to our family.   And that my friends, is why I have been forced to work 60 hours a week for 2 years.

And that was my own fault I guess.  I wanted to save the dream of our practice at all cost.  I, well, Edward and I had a dream at first to be together in our work.  We wanted to work side-by-side and build The Reiki Station as a couple, so Edward chose to pipeline and travel to try and support me while I went to school to get a foundation going for the practice.

I, being pride-ful and self sabotaging, worked and enrolled in every class I could get into, because I realized that in order to be a catalyst for real change in or healthcare system people needed to be educated on how to make that change for themselves.  I spent the last three years, working and educating myself on yoga, and massage, and reiki and food in-take and spiritualism and exercise and trust and values, and the whole time, self-sabatoging my own life I guess.  I did not know that Adrenaline Poisoning existed until I became a victim of it.  And, yes, I have created an Auto-Immune Syndrome for myself.  How in the bitch did that happen?

Well, adrenaline is meant to preserve you in a “fight of flight” reaction.  You know, the saber tooth tiger is chasing you.  In my mind, that translates to “how the hell do we pay the light bill is chasing me?”

As a wife and Mother who was now facing a disabled husband unable, to find quality work for himself, and with all his new boundaries I tried harder to fix the situation. I completely toxified my body with stress and on Dec 28th found myself in the hospital with a pulse rate of 38.  My immune system crashed and my emotions were at the end of the barrel.  And honestly, people say I inspired them but no one has an idea of the pain and suffering our marriage has faced with the last two years of self-preservation we BOTH have had to engaged in.  Well, now you do and I sure don’t feel very inspiring.  At least not at 3am.

Edward is mad at me for being mad at him, and mad at the government for not helping us.  I am mad at Edward for not pushing harder for his rights and resentful that I had to manage 80 hours of claim administration and watch him go through months of mental therapy and felt as if the World was on my shoulders to provide and preserve.  And I want to blame the government because they just send you around and around treating you like the hamster on the wheel that you are.  I would love just one face to face meeting with someone in office who says they Love Veterans.   Prove it to me as a face the loss of my marriage and my husband after 15 years.  I apparently did not get that memo that they really do care.

I was reduced to begging the VA Regional Affairs office to help us with this appeal because our ship is sinking and I was getting sick on Dec 27th.  I BEGGED them to take our documentation and please make the right decisions.  We wanted a lawyer.  The regional VA office, said DO NOT GET A LAWYER.  The doctors said we needed a LAWYER.  The regional VA OFFICE said you will complicate the process.  DO NOT GET A LAWYER.  I tried to get a lawyer.  But I was too busy working my ass off in self-preservation to find new clients for my practice and worrying about how to pay my student loans payments, put gas in my car, pay my rend and even buy roll of toliet paper for my office.   I had become more and more ill and bitter and tired and more than anything, angry with God for the irony in it all!

I though finally found the right path for my life, (and I thought I was going to be in it with my husband as a partner) and then some wild ass marriage problems arose, fighting ensued and I am lost to what just happened after 15 years of marriage.  Who do I blame?  Me.  Just me.  And my shadow.

Did I self-sabatoge along the way and not realize it?  Did I open up a can of worms that would have never been opened had I not sought out happiness?   Did I decide to experience my own healing journey so immensely, only to wake up and see this kind of healing comes with a price?  Just Ask Jesus.

And honestly, I am not really mad at Edward.  He too, is just trying to Self-Preserve.  He and I both need your prayers.  We are lost in the mess of a “broken marriage” and now we cannot be in a room without blaming each other when really, it is no one’s fault.

God allowed us to become so close in the beginning.  It’s nice to know you Love Another Human so much you allow you to see the Shadow for what we both really are.   We are now both just hurting children asking our Father in Heaven for his best practice for our life.  We apparently, have just fucked it all up.

The question now is will our Shadows be healed and will we culturally and financially have to go our separate ways? Did Deaf/Hearing differences destroy us even when we did not mean for them to?   Did I lost this battled of self-preservation though self-sabatoge or am I too, just a victim?  (I don’t play that role very well because I am a born warrior and well, a Scorpio.  Sometimes she has to burn it all down to rebuild it).

And to all who love us, yes this sucks!  But everything we have tried to do to mend our marital fences ends up in some weird form of incommunicatable Self-Sabatoge/Preservation on both parts and we are now a broken home and it does not look promising.   Prayers are appreciated.

 

 

 

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