My Dearest Kim,
I sit outside my little balcony, which has become my sanctuary as small and insignificant it may be. The significance to me, is all that matters. And today, you are my first priority. You and your family. Kenny, the girls, Terry Lee and I am praying that your strength and endurance is manifest today. I cannot say I know what it is like to lose my mom, or a parent for that matter, because I do not know “how it feels.” But losing Lolly is but an illusion. Lolly, is not really lost. She has transformed and transcended into Paradise, or Heaven as us Jesus Lovers call it. And as I take the time to light ALL of my candles, and burn multiple sticks of incense it gives me a time to send you love and light and hearth because I know you are sleeping. (Oh, night owl you are:) and I am watching the day break and yearning to sit with you and just be there for you all. Not necessary doing anything although I will, because doing is being and being is doing. But in my silence, (except for Mr. Squirrel running up and down my treetops and this crazy duck that won’t quit quacking…..), I am proud to have been partially raised by such a unique mother as yours. Lolly, (of course I called her Laurie, and could not pronounce the proper vernacular of Laurie and always said LORI :P), never, not once, judged me for anything. Like the time you went to prom and I had drank a pint, or two of Mad-Dog 20/20 and you and Darla dropped me back off to your house because I could not hang with the big dogs. Your mom came into the bathroom while I puked out my guts, held a cold rag to my forehead and brought me water and Tylenol. Did she fuss at me? No. Did she enable me to think that what I had done was ok? No. She was just there. Her prescense and silence was all that was needed to comfort me when I had done such a stupid thing. That is who your mom was. She never did judge our teen age decisions with harsh hatred or punishment, but she just was there, knowing that our human consciousness would eventually kick in and we would become responsible, at some point. (Or so she hoped). It was as if she knew, striving with strong willed girls was a loss of her own personal power so she just sent light and love to any situation and did not try and force us into personal responsibility. (Although, the look and the silence was enough to pour on the guilt of being such as silly child.) I honor the great and mighty silence that your mom presented to me. She was a pillar of love and hope even when we did not know how to become mature. I regret not knowing her more as an adult but I live my life with gratitude that during the hardest years of my life (adolescence) she gave me a safe place to stay and provided me with amazing chuckles and fluffy kittens to help me through hormones and self-sabotage. And now, that Laurie, (say Laaaaawwww-rrrrie)…….has been reunited with our Lord Jesus, I am all but sure, her great and mighty silence will be presented from “the other side” with a thousand times the intensity as before. She will not leave you nor forsake you and is amongst the greatest cloud of witnesses cheering you and your family on to be happy. Teaching you to become more still and more secure in just being “Who you ALL are.” That is what brings euphoric happiness!
My best friend, I know you have had many struggles of which you have overcome, but I also know you are the first one to say you are “ok” when you are not ok and you need someone to hold you, or help you, or just be with you, without judgement. I hope today as I am with you, your husband and your children (and then some) you all know I do not have to say a lot. The silence of just being there in this time of grief and feeling is enough to say everything. I have not been the “best” I could be as a friend all of the time, but you know I try really hard and I love you unconditionally as my sister. You are my six-six. (ask me later). I am here, in this moment, praying for you all and loving you and holding you and Kenny, and Callie, and Aimee and Alissa and Emily and Amanda and Terry Lee and so on………in true harmony. I sing a song of rejoicing to the birds and squirrels here atop the Waverly pass and I hope all the heavy incense and sound is traveling down the hills over to your bedroom and filling your heart chakra with a lot of green love. Forgive your self for everything you think you “did not do” because there is nothing you did not do that you did not do. You did everything your momma hoped you would do and then some. And now, spend the rest of your days, doing everything you want and need to do, for yourself FIRST. The rest will follow. I love you deeply and authentically in the only way I know how. By just being me. See you soon.