Moments like yesterday really impact me long term and I am thankful that they impact me in a positive way. The past work week was very stressful on me but in a good way. However, when you are physically on a downward swing (and my biorhythms proved it), it is harder to transfer stress into it’s proper origin. I am calling this method of action, recycling energy.
There are times I when can work myself up into such a tizzy, it is quiet embarrassing. I know that once your mental generators are out of whack and you are in mental combat mode, the chemistry in your brain just malfunctions. You become overly excitable, overly animated and just plain stupid. I love that fact that I notice when people notice my outbursts of “Cray Cray!”.
This break took me to a good 15-20 minute cry in the closet and then straight on to executing a “pick myself off the floor” plan so straight up to the bathroom mirror I went. I said to myself, “You are way too dramatic so just S-T-O-P.” And that I did.
I decided to act mindfully on my out burst and unbottle the emotions and begin to take my own professional advice. I evaluated everything that was pressing into my space at home, and at work and in my close personal relationships. I discovered that the real reason for the 6.0 quake this week was my……own……thinking. I have put so much presser on myself to be perfect in this new season and each and every category of Holly Goodyear’s day, week, and month, needs to unfold in it’s own timing not my fabricated illusion. I love to plan, organize and uphold all the commitments I drum up for my self and for other people. I am a pleaser. I am notorious for picking on my daughter and telling her how inflexible she is (she is a LIBRA!) and that she depicts the scales of justice for all. (I only pick on her because I love her so darn much!!). But I yet to see that I have just as much guilt trying to fix, manage and control everything I do, that I end up just plain weird.
But, Say- LA- VEE! (Spelled that wrong!!) I really am not mad about any of this and 48 hours after my house quake, I now have a new plan of action, a fresh new outlook and really, I think I learned something new. It was only after yesterday spending 5 minutes at the Barnes and Noble check out that the epic moment became so surreal. I was standing at the check out watching the cashier multi task. She had a lady off to the side filling out a new membership form and a guy at the counter was checking out. The two ladies were trying to spark a very light and causal conversation with him after he had made a silly comment about being a millionaire. First, now, I need to let you know that the lady off to the side was a black lady, in a wheel chair and she visibly had something of the nature of a Cerebral Palsy or the likes there of. But she was not hard to understand and she was certainly functional enough to get herself to and fro, B&N and dressed to the 9’s!! Well……the guy just shut down like “POW” when they were trying to talk to him. His noticeable uncomfortableness about this ladies disability was very obvious. The lady looked back at me and we made eye contact and I let her know, I thought her jokes were fun. She kept talking to him in such a gentle and loving way and he would not even move or look up and ignored her the rest of the time. He checked out in uncomfortable silence and when he turned to walk out, he make a very large path away from her chair when there was plenty of room to pass by her.
So, I stood up honored to be even able to talk with and the three of us started joking and laughing about my lil’ purchase. I had purchased a book called “The Day the Crayons Quit.” by Drew Daywalt. I had snagged this book right as I walked in the door in compulsion. (And for me, shopping compulsion is truly a sin not even funny.) The book was $3.95 and all of the proceeds went to charity. I believe the smell of crayons protect me from mental hell. As a child, the crayons were so important to me and I believe they are magic. And as a writer, I believe not only will we no longer have crayons or pencils to write with, that all penmanship will one day be extinct. (Have you heard of the educational politics around cursive handwriting?)
So, on the story goes and the three of us spent those 3 minutes in laughter and in love and I made myself a promise. If I see anyone that is different than me and society treats them poorly, that I would never do that and that I would be brave enough to engage happily with anyone of a different race, religion, sexual orientation or that clearly has a physical “difference” than what we may call “normal” and I would take a stand against selfishness to the best of my ability.
Becoming a perfect person is tricky. You see, you have to realize what you are doing and why you are doing it. Are you so over the top noticeable that you lie to yourself so you cannot screw up? Take a hard look at we call “EGO.” And, are you so self mutilating that you cannot forgive yourself when you make a wrong action instead of just accepting it as a lesson and letting Karma, Jesus, or the Law of Attraction, Nature….etc. show you the energies you are dealing with? You may be stuck in a very bad cycle. Energy is power and loving energy is All Power. Know your energy and then ask the universe to help you to recycle it.
I am so ready to understand more on how to recycle my energies. Maybe then my LG&E bill will magically drop too!