“Achievements and Broken Pathways”.

IMG_0987

Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.

*Jelaluddin Rumi, 13th century Persian mystic poet

 

What an awesome quote by this man.  (Assuming it is a male.)  I think in a past life he was my personal guide.  I mean, really, he wrote this in 13th century Persia?  What ever came of Persia?  Or better yet, what great destiny came from Persia?  Queen Ester’s planetary altering of existence along with her undying example of humility showing nothing but sacrifice for her people.   That is one thing that I know came from the land.  

In my Shamanic journeying last year, Queen Ester came directly to me to give me guidance.  She has been with me quite frequently since then and has shown herself in my meditations many times as the Goddess Rhianna and she always comes in riding a white horse of power.  Now before you think I have completely fallen off my rocker, I hope you will read along and hear me out.  If you are not some where sitting right now where you can full be aware of what I am saying, well, then quite frankly, you should probably move on about your cabin.  I want my readers to truly understand that I may write in very deep, satirical meaning but I do so because in my deepest of hearts, I yearn for a great destiny to come of my people.  Do I know who “my” people are?  Yes, I do.  So did Ester.

My people are the ones that give birth.  They give birth to not only children but to their dreams and deepest desires of happiness.  My people want to do better and my people are not critical of my failings and yet, my people lift me up when I am falling into a pit.  I do not fall into a pit very often as in the past, but I have so many times.  I did so quite frequently.  Daily, may I add.  

But, from this photo you see above, I am showing you my kitchen table the last week of July, 2013.  I decided to celebrate the Wheel of the Year holiday Lammas and give thanks for the blessings that were coming and that I believed would manifest after making very large sacrifices for my family.  It was a sacred moment with me, and with God.  

What did I sacrifice?  Well, I gave up a $75,000 a year job in Bowling Green after being “promoted” and came back home to a house that would not sell, while my loving husband decided to cash in his entire retirement and start a new career over to try and support our family after all of the Obama care aftermath took place and then, the corporate hooey that I had been dealing with became nothing but insidiously.  My accelerated drive thru life over the years spent in a cubical or behind a closed office door was always disrespected, and with that you would see a very different side of me.  

Working in health insurance as a sales, service and marketing expert, you would expect that I would be balls to the wall, grunting and groaning to please and appease ALL the “above ground and walking statistics” so that I could keep climbing that corporate ladder and get to that six figure income mark I was so close too.   Well, I was.  Balls to the wall I mean.  The problem, however, is that I am a women.  I don’t have or need balls.  I am a women, who likes to serve up quality expectations, make a fair and complete work plans, work from agreed timelines and then communicate to all parties the details for action in order to prepare for success and lastly, celebration.  

Not so, in that “other” life spent working for all that big money.  I worked long nights EVERY NIGHT, late hours after everyone went home and I cheated my daughter and my son of time with me for years.  Me, their only mom, never around and when I did come home, I was so pressed like a grape to the mash, I had no energy left to say anything productive to the family but I did have the strength to drink a bottle of wine or so.  I was used, spend and deflated at every turn.  Thank you political Greediness.

Now, hey, if you know me I am a VERY productive person and always will be. An overachiever I admit.  But when I say I am productive, I mean I just cranking it out until it all gets done and I love to see a completed work come to pass so I am not a stranger to working.  So was it my fault that I chose to stay and finish all those pipe dream expectations for my valuable clients, when everyone else at work bailed and played ball with their kids or went on 6 weeks of vacations in a year while I did their dirty work?  Most times, other team workers set unrealistic expectations on my behalf or in general terms, LIED to the client on what WE could do for them?  I found not everyone has that same work ethic as I do, so yes, I fell straight way into beating myself up for not being enough and scorned myself for failing to be able to desynthisize myself enough and un-attach from my sold out duties.  When those other team members or high ranking officials realized they could just dump and run and I would do it all, it began to wane on me as a loyal person to the brink of singing a Johnny Cash tune.  (Take this job baby…..)

Now please listen.  I am every bit of a Scorpio and proud of it finally and loyalty is one of the top traits of that sign.  I have no regrets other than it has taken me quite the large amount of personal work in the last 12 months to understand that I am on a self-helpful path and that I do not have to self destruct every time the flames of life get too emotional for me.  I need to be Loyal to one.  ME!

There are a handful of people from my past who would not classify me as loyal but I plead my case as such that I held up my end of the bargain and walking out of any job or leaving a place after an expectation has been set, and then someone reneges on that expectation, that does not discredit my loyalty as a passionate, intensely productive and genuine person.  It only proves that the standard fight or flight mechanism in people still exists.   Whether it was a financial decision, a work load issue or just a burned out no-ones-fault issue, I always gave my 110% and usually, well, I have to give some to compensate for others and I cannot help it.  

So, why?  Why would I do that?  Martyrdom?  Hardly.  It’s that regenerative 8th house I live in.  Death, Sex and Regeneration.  (Sex is just a perk of being born under that house! LOL!).   When things fall or are falling to pieces, it is if things are really dying away in my mind and sometimes you have to let them die.  As situations pass by and fade, I am programmed to resurrect something from the ashes and get back at it again.  I am not a quitter or a giver upper even when the fight or flight hormone has trigger another drive thru window in my life.  I just find myself at the new speakercom with someone on the other side asking “May I take your order, please?”  Huh, how the hell did I get from here to Taco Jaco???

So, last July, I did what the natives do and I set an intention.  (Now we are getting to the meat, here).  I set aflame a LIVE ritual on my table and I said, “if indeed there be a higher purpose for me because of the depth of feeling I have for life, then help me to change me.  Lord and Goddess help me to find an outcome that I can live with and help me to have the tools and resources to create a magical journey on behalf of the illusion I have set before me”.  

I dream in techno-color of some untold harmony and I dream daily of flourishing fields of milk and honey which the Lord spoke of in the Promise Land.  I dream of energetically working with Angels and People and Powers on High that could carry me out into eternity way past these broken pathways I have endured whether I caused them or not.  I dream of lifetimes past, present and future where laughter and painlessness take over.  I dream to find a place where the window of the soul is activity seeking good and total balance for us all.   I dream of a place where goal setters find their achievements and though abundance is always flowing, that in mankind’s heart he could possible say,” I have enough”.  More than anything, I dream of a place for me where I can no longer rely on money to make me feel secure.  This is where I am at my greatest struggle.  In the 12 month change and personal movements, I have lost my cars, Rv’s, and MANY, material possessions BUT I gave to others any way.  In my need, I decided to give back. I kept PIP’n.  I still have a large debt or two to pay and they are not forgotten debts, but as I take my third degree Reiki class tomorrow, I vow to find trust and security in that what is left to be paid off, will be done so very quickly and I can final reuniting with my most precious gift of all (my soulmate and he knows who he is). Being together will come very soon my love.  I remember in my past life waiting for you to come home from the war and I tilled the field, fed the lambs and rocked the babies, wondering when I could see you again.  In this life, it is not much different.  But my heart is with you Mr. G and I know that with the power that is constucted by faith, belief and in the name of my Lord Jesus, you are never far from me.  What we are doing is a new achievement on a continuous broken pathway.  They can take our material things, but they cannot steal our magical bonds.  🙂 All roads do eventually lead to home.  

Celebrate Lammas 2014.

Namaste

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s